Cheese With Your Whine?

We've landed...

2006-07-05T05:34:00.000-07:00

Kuwait is gorgeous. I love it, love it, love it.

Two more days!

2006-06-25T08:44:00.000-07:00

By about 11:00 am Texas time on Wednesday we will be starting our new life in Kuwait. I'm beyond excited.

The past couple of weeks have been tough. Fortunately, I have wonderful friends who've let us crash with them while we are waiting to go. Rylee came up to me crying the other day because she wanted to go home. It's kind of hard to explain to a 2-year old that we don't have a home any more, but soon we'll fly across the world and have a new home. We were supposed to be there the 15th, but blah, blah, blah, visa, blah, blah, blah and we're still here.

Kellie and I have had a good time. We took the girls to a Texas Rangers game last week and we've been spending quite a bit of time at the pool. That Mexican Rylee's got in her is shining through in nice dark brown fashion. I would kill to be able to tan like that (and yes, I'm paranoid about sunscreen and she still tans).

I just can't believe that this is really going to happen. Kuwait here we come. With our Benedryl and Xanax.

I HATE YOU BLOGGER!!

2006-06-24T21:02:00.000-07:00

I had a huge long post typed out and when I went to publish it, it disappeared.

FUCKING HOOKER ASS BITCH.

Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

I have the best friends EVER!

2006-06-14T08:28:00.000-07:00

So we came back to M-Town last night for what I thought was going to be a few drinks with my girl Ms.Dallas K, but I walked into a surprise going away party!!!

I feel so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. Kami mentioned a while ago on her blog that Dallas bitches are the best. And they are. We've been here two years and I have met the most wonderful group of women. Ya know those people who know all the crazy things you've done and love you anyway? Those people who might think you're nuts for going to Kuwait, but support you just the same?

Go check out the pics on Kami's website. I tried to steal some and post them but Blogger is being a HAB. The cake was AWESOME. And I got the hook up with phone cards. =)

I love you girls, and I am going to miss the shit out of you. Thanks for everything. You really have no idea how much you mean to me and my girl.

Hurry up and wait...

2006-06-12T16:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm out of the house, my bags are packed, my passport is here and it looks like our departure is going to be pushed off at least a week.

GAH.

How do you tell a 2-year old...

2006-06-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

Why her puppy left to go to a new home and is not coming back. Friday Missy got a new home, and my sweet girl cried buckets. Then yesterday she says, "Missy's all done at her new home. She'll be right back!" No, sweet girl, she won't. Gah. It rips a mommy's heart out.

Oh, and remember Allison? Well, now she's talking about someone else - Dena. And she's scared of her. She's run to me several times saying that she scared, just out of the blue. When I ask her why she's scared she tells me she doesn't want to see Dena. I asked her where she is and Dena is at school. She's a 'teacher'. All the way to school this morning, she SCREAMED "No school. No see Dena."

So, of course my first question is "Who's Dena?" Well, there IS no Dena at school. NO ONE. WTH is going on??? I was freaked out a bit by Allison, but if she's seeing scary things, it REALLY bothers me. I just don't know what to do about it.

I think I'll put a call in to my friend's medium and see if she can clue me in.

Wow.

2006-05-31T12:31:00.000-07:00

That's really all I can say for all that's going on in my life right at the moment. I got THE JOB!!! We will be heading overseas for a year on the 13th or 15th.

I'm nervous, happy, sad and excited all at the same time. Do you have any idea how draining it is to feel all those emotions at one time?

So, yesterday was my birthday and it always gets me to thinking. I wonder how I got to 28 years old and still feel like such a kid sometimes. Remember when you were growing up and you could just imagine how cool it would feel to be all grown up? Well, I'm still waiting for that feeling. That I've-got-it-all-figure-out feeling that I was just *sure* I was going have by this point in my life. That I'm-mature-and-don't-do-stupid-things attitude that I thought I saw in my mom. I still laugh when Rylee toots and I think bathroom humor is funny. I get silly and sad and moody just like it I did at 12.

This was not the plan for my life. I was not supposed to be a single mom. No way. No how. Hell, I wasn't even supposed to be a mom at all. I was a career woman. I was going to have my own custom built house, a fat 401(k) and a sweet little car by this point in my life. I'm supposed to be flitting around the country giving presentations and blessing people with my wisdom. I should be a VP by now. THAT was the plan. Not to be a single mom, struggling to make it from pay check to pay check, scared at times, and haunted by a past that was chosen for me. I shouldn't have to be faced with never having another Christmas with my mom because she chose a sick man over me and my daughter. My daughter shouldn't have to live her life without grandparents.

Nope this certainly is NOT how it was supposed to go. I shouldn't know the joy that comes from watching a two year old make a discovery, or hearing "I yub you, Mommy", or getting to kiss owies. I was not supposed to be brought to my knees by this sweet/ornery/loving/stubborn little person that I created. I never imagined having the sort of friends in my life that I do - people who know everything about me and love me anyway. I didn't think that I could feel complete being single at 28. I ceratinly couldn't imagine landing a job like I just did and embarking on the adventure of a lifetime with the best little girl in the whole world.

It's just not the plan. Nothing about my life is how I pictured it. But I wouldn't trade it. If I traded my childhood I wouldn't have Rylee because I wouldn't have been at the point in my life I was at when I got pregnant. And the thought of not having her makes my heart nearly stop with pain. She IS the great redemption in everything that has happened to me and the decisions I have made - good, bad or otherwise.

Life sometimes is cruel. It's not fair and it's not easy. Not at all. But it's also surprisingly rewarding, rich, and wonderful. And that part is just as unexpected as the bad that life throws at us.

I miss my girl

2006-05-25T12:14:00.000-07:00

Rylee-Kate is with her awesome Aunt Katie and they went to a water park today. (I get her back tomorrow!!!) Thanks, Ms. Dallas K for the great picture! I love it.

Things I've learned this week

2006-05-22T07:18:00.000-07:00

About puppies -

**They are capable of chewing every single thing in your house, including your modem and laptop cable, making it impossible to blog from home.

About TV -

**I still love Grey's. They ended it exactly like they should have. The season finale of Desperate Housewives was good too. And how 'bout the series finale of Will and Grace? I LOVED it!

About my daughter-

**She is no longer my baby. In her own words on Mother's Day, "I'm not your baby. I'm your girl." At TWO, she's no longer my baby. Little does she know, she'll be my baby when she's 40. How do you like that, smarty pants?

**She's sharp. She can recognize the sound of motorcycles, airplanes, tranes, helicopters, and big trucks without seeing them. Is that smart? I don't know, it seems so to me.

**She's independent as hell. Yesterday at a birthday party, she ran up to me, grabbed a token and took off. No Mama necessary.

**She didn't care last night when I left her for (gasp!) a week with her Aunt Katie. She missed me when in the middle of the night, though.

**When I'm not with her, I dream about her. I swear I spent all night trying to find her because she'd been kidnapped. It was awful. I mean pure hell. And now I'm tired.

**When I'm not with her, it cuts my get ready time in half, and I have rediscovered the glory of taking a shower alone.

**I don't think I'll make a week without her.

About waiting -

**I hate it. I despise not knowing what's going to happen. I don't even know which hemisphere of the world I'm going to be living in in a month and it's freaking killing me.

About wanting what I can't have -

**I'm apparently very good at that. Have you ever wanted something so much that it totally consumes you, yet it's the one thing you can't have? It hurts, and makes it hard for me to breathe.

About Chuck E Cheese -

** Your two year old can catch free rides on the carousel if you're out of tokens, if she can climb up there by herself. (Please note this was not my idea. I wandered over there and found her blissfully riding because some other kid kept putting tokens in.) See, I told you she's smart.

About the movie RV -

** It's a definite renter, but you will still probably laugh. It makes for a good girls night out. Not as good a Art School Confidential, though right, Cop's Wife?

I cannot wait!!

2006-05-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

The season finale of Grey's Anatomy is tonight and I cannot wait. I'm such a McDreamy freak.

Oh, and he said that viewers would not be disappointed with the outcome of the Meredith/Derek thing.

Don't let me down, McDreamy.

How much fun is learning to go potty in the big pot?

2006-05-14T04:20:00.000-07:00

Apparently LOTS. Especially if you have your Quaker Soy Chip with you. White cheddar, please.

Dance Nekkid One More Time!

2006-05-13T18:37:00.000-07:00

Hopefully, by 7:00 or so tomorrow morning I will have the YES! that I'm waiting for. I have to talk to just one. more. person. Today went very, very well.

I'M WEARING SKINNY JEANS!!

2006-05-12T07:44:00.000-07:00

That is all.

Edited to add: MY skinny jeans. As in pre-going-to-work-for-below-mentioned-company-jeans.

Just for the record. Mama Cassy does not wear 'skinny' style jeans. No, sir.

A wise man once said...

2006-05-10T19:43:00.000-07:00

"If you get diagnosed with cancer and only have 6 months to live, [company where I work] is the place to work. It will be the longest 6 months of your fucking life."

Well said, my friend. Well said.

Does this make us redneck?

2006-05-09T17:57:00.000-07:00

So the other day, I had the back door open and Rylee and Missy were running in and out. I was cleaning and doing whatever it is I do at home, and I heard Rylee yell, "MAMA, come HERE!"

And this is what I saw:

Yes. That would be my daughter in a cooler with the leftover water from the melted ice from the birthday party - 3 1/2 weeks ago. (Yes, it's been that long and I STILL haven't sent out thank you notes. I'm very sorry. I suck, but I'm working on them.)

Of course I had to get the camera. She was just so damn proud of herself.

Kids are funny. Mine had an absolute fit tonight because I would not reach the moon for her to touch. She doesn't want much, does she?

I leave you with a picture of my two girls, who fight like sisters. There's a reason I don't have two children.

Oh, and tomorrow is a VERY big morning for me, so please send happy thoughts and good luck vibes my way. I really, really need this.

Note to Self:

2006-05-09T13:16:00.000-07:00

Flowy Skirt + Texas Wind + Building with Windows = Nice Shot of the Pantiless Ass For Those Sitting Behind Said Windows

Ever wanted one of these?

2006-05-09T12:12:00.000-07:00

Yeah, me too.

Don't Quit

2006-05-08T10:57:00.000-07:00

Someone sent me this today and I needed it, so I thought maybe someone else could use it too.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit -

Rest if you must, but don't you quit

Success is failure turned inside out,

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

and you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near, when it seems afar.

So, stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.

I know it seems so simple, but things have been super rough lately. It's nothing that I care to expound upon here, but I've wanted to quit. Big time. And that's a scary feeling.

I can't quit. There's too much good, and I needed the reminder. So, if you're tempted to quit, don't. Read this little ditty and know that it's going to be okay.

It. Is. Going. To. Be. Okay.

Dear Neighbors Behind Us:

2006-05-05T17:30:00.000-07:00

We need to talk. See that poor dog? Yeah, it needs a haircut and some attention. I'm sure you guys work (at least I hope so) but damn. Give it some love when you get home. The poor thing is always stuck halfway under the fence trying to get over here.

It makes me sad. And Mama Cassy no like to be sad. Please just take care of the poor thing or give it to someone who will.

Cassy, who is thinking about calling the authorities on your ass.

P.S. To all of you who commented yesterday - Come back and comment because you love ME, not someone else.

P.P.S. To Someone Else, yes, it feels kind of nice to be a comment whore for a day. You are one crazy chick.

My girls

2006-05-03T07:07:00.000-07:00

My two legged one:

And the one with four legs. No her eyes are not blue. Must mess with the setting on the camera.

Into the bathroom we go!

2006-04-29T06:31:00.000-07:00

We had some nasty Texas spring weather here last night. When they announced that a tornado was going to hit us in 10-15 minutes, my neighbor called and said she didn't want Rylee and me to be here by ourselves and that we should go to her house. Okay. We went.

I spent 30 minutes in a 1/2 bath with three kids - one of which had to go potty RIGHT NOW! because he had diarrhea - and two dogs - one of which decided she had to piss on the floor.

That was the longest 30 minutes of my life. Kid shit, dog pee and sweat from being hot as hell.

Good times. Good times.

The upside is that the tornadoes missed us, but that's not my idea of a fun Friday night.

Thank you, Dr. P!

2006-04-28T14:02:00.000-07:00

For the happy pills and the Ambien. You rock.

Now to the rest of you, here's my PSA:

Do NOT under any circumstances quit taking anti-depressants cold turkey. I have been M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E. My heart's been doing this crazy dance, I've been light headed, feeling like I was going to faint, PLUS all that shit that you take that beautiful little pill for. It's been three weeks and I will beg, borrow, steal, or perform sexual favors before I do that again.

Huh?

2006-04-28T05:24:00.000-07:00

So, um, Kami, I thought I was going to get to wait til my kid was 3 like Nik was when he uttered those glorious words, but nope.

This morning, in the rush to get us out the door, my kid dumped the entire contents of my purse on the floor and said:

"Rylee made a mess. Mommy clean it up."

I love being a maid. I really do.

***

Here's another thing that made me go "Huh?"

My resume is out there on car#eerbuilder.com. So this guy calls me and wants someone with my exact experience in government cost accounting. My skill set is an exact match. The pay is AWESOME and there's all kinds of bonuses involved. Big ones.

Here's the kicker. It's in KUWAIT. Am I crazy for even considering moving to the Middle East for a year to make some serious coinage and then come back home? BTW, much of that income is TAX FREE.

I'm in love with two little girls

2006-04-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

One has two legs, stands about 29 inches tall, weighs somewhere around 25 pounds, has dark curly hair and is asleep in my bed.

The other has 4 legs, stands 12 inches tall, weighs about 10 pounds, is black with white on her nose and feet and is curled up in my lap.

Did I really just get a lap lizzard?

Sorry, Rylee

2006-04-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

You know how after you sneezed today, you said, "I peed!" Well, it just doesn't get any better.

Wait til you pop a kid out. I have to cross my legs on a regular basis.

Dear Mr. Nudie:

2006-04-22T08:28:00.000-07:00

You are, what....50 years old? Thought so. So it grosses me out to hear you talk about living in a nudie camp, walking around naked, dancing 'cheek to cheek', and partying with other naked old people.

Do you REALLY think I'm going to bring my kid out there this summer? Because as much as I hate wearing clothes, I just cannot see myself partying naked with someone I have to work with.

So stop asking. Please. For God's sake....QUIT ASKING!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ERIN!!

2006-04-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

Click on over and give a big Blogger Happy Birthday shout out to Erin!!!

Love ya, girlie!!!

Dear Dr. A,

2006-04-19T21:20:00.000-07:00

Listen. Remember when I came to see you a year ago and you put me on Lexapro? Yeah, I still need it. BAD.

So when I call your office and tell them that I need a script so that I can function and not want to kill myself or someone else, fucking write it.

No, I do not have a Dr. in my new town. No, I am not under the care of a psychiatrist. If I were would I be calling you? And since when does going 8 months without seeing an OB mean you're no longer under said Dr.'s care? I see you once a fucking year!!

I cannot come in for an appt. I live in BFE and I work, which means your office is not open when I can come see you. I do not have time to take off of work to go see another doctor, either.

You're going to force me to go to some online Canadian pharmacy for my drugs. You KNOW I need it. Just write the goddamn prescription.

Bitch.

You know you tell your kid to come here too much....

2006-04-17T18:16:00.001-07:00

....when she says to the yellow crayon that rolled away from her:

"Yellow, come here. Right now. When I say come, you come."

You know your job sucks....

2006-04-17T18:16:00.000-07:00

...when someone brings you your very own bottle of Jagermeister to work.

Scenes from a 2-year old birthday

2006-04-15T22:07:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Ms. Dallas K for the pics!

My girl's one request - party hats!!

What party is complete without an inflatable birthday cake in the front yard??

Or bounce house in the back??

This trick raised some interesting questions about what exactly the Punkin sees mommy do. Nothing that fun, I can assure you.

Every girl needs a hula skirt to go over her bikini, no?

See the pretty picture our Aunt Katie made for her?

That cheeseball grin makes my life so sweet!

God, I love that kid.

We had a really great day, but I'm glad it won't be time for another party for a year. I need some time to recoup! I'm exhausted, the Punkin is out, and she is now the best dressed girl in Texas, thanks to all the new duds she got today.

We are a couple of very blessed girls. Most of those other mommies got in their cars and drove to B-Freaking-E to come to our little shindig, and it was a blast. Thanks to all of you guys who shared our day.

Rylee, thanks for being such a sweet girl. You were a trooper today...happy even though you didn't have a nap. You rock! I really did get the best girl.

12:26 pm

2006-04-11T22:51:00.000-07:00

My girl will be 2 whole years old in about 12 hours. Wow.

I am kind of mushy as I sit here and remember the night before she was born. I was living in Oklahoma City and Katie came over from Stillwater to stay the night. We went to dinner at Mimi's and shared some kick ass meatloaf. She was 10 weeks pregnant with Conan.

After that we went to watch Ladykillers. (If you haven't seen it don't waste your time.) Then we went back to my apartment and talked for a while and then she went to bed. I couldn't sleep.

I remember feeling very bittersweet about the events of the next day. I was filled with excitement and sadness. Excitement to finally get that little booger here and figure out what it would be like to be a mom.

Sadness because I felt like I was in a way losing something. In a few hours I would 'have to' share her with the rest of the world. I would never feel her kick and move inside of me again. She would no longer hear my every breath and heartbeat. No more restless nights of trying to find a comfortable position to lie in because there was a head in my ribs (the breach little stinker) or foot on my bladder. No more would she be just mine.

She got hiccups for the first time at about 3:00 that morning.

I loved being pregnant. I was never alone. And at that point in my life when I was alone in so many other ways, knowing that I always had her with me and could talk and sing and cry to her was awesome in the truest sense of the word. Really and truly awesome.

I knew that while she was inside of me that I could protect her - from the evil in the world, from heat, cold, and pain. And the idea that after she was born, knowing I would lose some of that ability scared me. And it still does. She is her own person now. I can't be with her all the time.

Being a mom is such a strange thing. It is rewarding beyond belief. But it is also scary as hell. It's frustrating too. No one tells you that when you're pregnant and even if they did, you wouldn't get what they mean anyway.

I can't imagine my life without my girl. She's such a little person now. I mean a PERSON. She has a mind of her own. She can tell me what she wants and doesn't want. She can give me kisses, tell me she loves me and that I'm beautiful, and then in the next moment scream for me to put her down or chuck her juice cup across the room because she's mad about something. I can talk to her on the phone.

I want to do right by her and there are times that I am struck with a profound sense of unworthiness and inadequacy. Am I really all she needs? Is she going to be okay without her donor in her life? What if I try really, really hard and still screw up?

I don't have all the answers to those questions. All I know is that I love her. So much that I can't breathe sometimes. So much that there are times I wish I could put her back in my tummy so that I can protect her and she will never feel the pain of being picked on or having her heart broken. I also love her so much that I can't wait to see what she becomes and who she is as an adult.

Thank you, sweet girl for being who you are. Thank you for kisses in the morning, hugs in the evening and cuddles at night. Thank you for being the bright spot in my world and the only reason I can think of to get out of bed in the morning some days.

I love you. You'll have no idea how much until you give me grandbabies and hold your own little ones.

I'm trying, girlie. I'm trying to do right. I screw up and am going to continue to. Hang in there with me. And know that I love you. God, do I love you.

What's a girl to do?

2006-04-10T08:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Rylee was watching Finding Nemo and said this:

"Nemo's daddy. Where's Rylee's daddy?"

Um.

I'm prepared to answer questions when she's 12 or 15 or 20, but 2?

How do I tell her why she's the only one of her friends who doesn't have a daddy?

I so heart my kid

2006-04-02T21:01:00.000-07:00

Lately Rylee has been jabbering up a storm. Here are a few of the most recent gems.

**In the back of the car, in her carseat, she'll yell loud enough for the whole county to hear, "I'm stuck in here!" Over and over and over.

**Tonight she was running around naked after the poop incident and was playing with a stuffed tiger. She was putting it in her stroller and saying, "Good night, tiger. Have good sleep. See you tomorrow."

**While she was 'helping' me cook in the way only a toddler can, she looked up and saw the plates in the open cabinet abover her and said, "I need a plate. Cassy, it's right there."

**The other day I told her to "Come on, chica." She looked at me and said, "You're chica." Okay.

**Somehow she has picked up on the word fart. Now this is not a word I say. I will say pretty much everything else in the book, but fart just grates on me. But someone she's been around says it (and when I find you I will wash your mouth out with soap), so when she 'tooted' the other day, she looked at me and said, "Rylee fart. You fart, Mom."

**She calls me Mom a lot now, instead of Mama or Mommy or even Cassy (which she says a lot). It's kind of funny but makes me realize she's growing up on me. Mom. The little fart.

**This girlie has one request for her birthday part. Party hats. And she asks for them every day. "Birthday. Party hats." So when all it takes to make your kid happy is a silly paper hat, you can bet your ass we will ALL be wearing party hats.

She is just such a cool kid. Sometimes I get frustrated and feel like all I do all day is clean up one mess after another. There are times when I wish I could pee in private. I have moments when I want to run away, even if it's just for 15 minutes to regroup and catch my breath.

But she is the single best and most rewarding thing in my life. I love her. It sounds so simple to say, but that's just the truth. I. Love. That. Kid.

I'm washing sheets

2006-04-02T18:24:00.000-07:00

Conversation with my almost two year old:

Rylee (coming from her bedroom where she is watching Dora while I'm trying to work): Look, Mom!

Mom (stopping to look at her hand she's proudly waving in the air): What is it?

Mom (after making the mistake of getting close enough to see - and smell - her hand): Is that poop?

Rylee: Yeah!

Mom: Did you wipe it somewhere?

Rylee (just proud as punch): Uh huh.

Mom: Where did you wipe it?

Rylee: Mommy get up. Rylee's bedroom.

I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

The countdown is on!

2006-04-01T07:09:00.000-08:00

Yep, it's t-11 days until that baby girl of mine is 2!! I cannot believe that it has gone by so fast.

Katie did her invites and they are sooo cute! I'll have to post them so that you can see the proof that all of the creative genius in the family went to her.

We're going to M-Town today to finish up with addressing the invitations and hang out with Katie and her crew.

I've got a ton of work to get done this weekend. Work sucks. Big time.

When "family" invades your blog

2006-03-26T17:11:00.000-08:00

So, I get this nasty little comment on the picture I posted a few posts back about how things could always be worse. Just scroll down and you'll see it.

It was of course from Anon -

Cassy,You are totally disgusting and crude. I can't believe you would post that or take the time to find it!!

So I responded:

Anon - If I'm so disgusting and crude, why the hell did you spend 35 minutes and 26 seconds at my site, that you got to from my sister's blog and left by clicking next blog?This is my space and I don't care if you like it or not. You certainly didn't have to spend a half hour here, look at 8 pages and see that picture of Rylee in Times Square. You're not welcome here. Go away and don't come back

Oh, and I didn't find it. It was sent to me as a joke from someone who knows that I'm going through some seriously difficult times right now. It was funny, and a nice reminder that yes, things can always be worse. Gawd.

You've gotta love sitemeter that lets you see exactly who is here for how long and what they look at.

Anon then responded:

Well Cassy,I thought it might be cool to see my nieces and nephews by the way Rylee is a very cute baby girl. Sorry that you're going through tough times but you got yourself into the mess and you can certainly get out of it if you want to. I'm not meaning to be judgemental but excuses don't get you anywhere. I'm sure if you try you can get yourself out of the hard times. Maybe if you talked to dad and actually tried to have a relationship with him things might be better. I don't know the whole story but a relationship is a two way thing that doesn't have to always involve money. If you haven't figured it out yet it's your little sister Alissa. Didn't mean to offend you but you're not the person I thought you were.

My response:

Alyssa,

Do youself a favor and don't call yourself my sister. I have two of those who actually get what that means.

You have no idea what my life is like. You've never tried to find out either. I did NOT get myself into the hard times I'm having now. Again, talking out your ass about something you have no clue about.

Rylee is not a mess. This has nothing to do with her. You are so out of line it's not funny.

And no, you don't know what's going on with Dad, someone who has chosen not to see his grandkids for over a year, who walked out of my life when I was 12 and never would have come back. I had to find him.

BTW, if you're going to be a judgemental bitch, do it to my face, on the phone or in an email to ME, not bashing me on my blog, which I've never given to you or dad... for a reason. I don't want you here.Go away. Like forever.

Oh, and how old are you?? Oh yeah, that's right. You're a teenager. Read...someone who has no freaking clue, b/c you haven't seen a damn thing in life.

This person is my 15 year old half sister from my sperm donor's second marriage that ended a year or so ago. Someone who when she found out that I was pregnant tried to talk my ddad out of letting me come see them. And who said she would never have anything to do with my baby. As if I'd let her. Of course, being 15 and all wise, she is able to tell me what's what and how to go about living my life.

So, Alyssa, I thought I'd save you the trouble of having to go to the comments section to read my response. Fuck off. How's that for crude?

I will never be with you

2006-03-19T20:04:00.000-08:00

Returning from hell

2006-03-18T06:03:00.000-08:00

It has been a hell of a couple of weeks....I've been in a serious funk from all the shit that has happened, from the checking account to the computer, to it feeling like every little thing in my life is difficult. I'm tired of struggling just to exist.

BUT it is getting better. I'm not going to list all the negative, so here's the good that's happened lately.

1. I have awesome friends. One's hubby spent several hours trying to fix poor lappy, to no avail. It is fried. Another's GAVE (yes you read that right...gave) me a computer. Another's got all of my pictures and documents off of poor dead computer, so I didn't lose them for good. YAY!

2. We went to the zoo last weekend and had a blast with Katie and Krew. She's got pictures over there (katieskrew.blogspot.com) so check it out. **Blogger is being a bitch and won't let me link** See what I mean about little things being difficult? Anyway..... And yes, I KNOW, that picture of me sucks. Squinty eyes, hair looking all crappy and shit, large white arms out there for all the world to see. But, dammit, that's a freaking adorable picture of my girl. Note the difference in our skin tone. Hers rocks. Thank you, sperm donor.

3. Went to a Pampered Chef party at Ms. Dallas K's and won as the mystery hostess!! You should see all the stuff I'm getting! I've never won a damn thing in my life. I'm doing a happy dance.

4. Had a talk with the boss's boss about some things at work, and they should be improving. They are going to hire some more people so that I can actually get done what I need to and be an accountant, instead of having to do all of the crazy data entry stuff I've been having to do.

5. Work is relocating to 4 miles from my house. This is the reason I moved where I did, and that commute to our current location is wearing me thin. I can't wait. We'll be in there April 3. And we get off at noon on the 31st so they can move all our stuff. My help starts April 10. Woot!

6. I'm getting my hair did tomorrow. I cannot freaking wait. And guess what?? I got a check from selling a stroller at a consignment shop, and have sold my old kitchen table and chairs, so my hair will end up being free.

7. Got a cool new kitchen table given to me by Ms. Dallas K. She rocks.

8. Have a girl who is going to be 2 in less than a month. We're having a shindig at my place, with a bounce house and some other cool stuff. This will be the first time I've ever had a party at my house that did not involve copious amounts of alcohol (dont' worry there will be SOME) and where people did not come with the intention of getting laid at some point during or right after it. I'm kind of nervous about playing hostess. I've done Arbonne stuff at my place, but I get to be the boss then so it's easier. We'll see. If you come, no hating. Be nice.

Okay, this has turned really long and it was mostly for me anyway, so if you've read this far, I'm sorry.

Allison, who are you?

2006-03-15T07:11:00.000-08:00

Rylee talks about Allison all the time. "Allison is funny." "Go to school. See Allison" Curious, I asked her teacher who Allison is. Maybe another student, or a new teacher.

Nope. There is no one at school named Allison. Never has been. Hmmm....Am I already entering the world of imaginary friends? Or does my kid have a guardian angel that only she can see? Goosebumps.

Pictures courtesy of our super cool Aunt Katie.

Outright begging

2006-03-11T05:38:00.000-08:00

I need a new template. I thought I had someone who was going to do one for me and she flaked.

SOOOO....who can make me a custom template? I know what I want it to look like. I just can't do it. I'm willing to pay something (a little something) because I know this stuff takes time and effort.

Help a sister out?

Remind me again, please.....

2006-03-09T13:04:00.000-08:00

What do you do at 4:30 am?

2006-03-09T02:28:00.000-08:00

Find oddball things to put in your blog.

You Are Las Vegas

Wild and uninhibited, you enjoy all of life's vices.
You're a total hedonist, especially with sex, gambling, and drinking.
You shine brightly every night, but you do the ultimate walk of shame each morning.

Famous Las Vegas residents: Wayne Newton, Howard Hughes, Penn & Teller, Siegfried & Roy

What American City Are You?

This is obviously describing the pre-Rylee Cassy. But very accurate at that.

It just keeps getting better

2006-03-01T11:16:00.000-08:00

I've decided that I must have been one hell of a hooker ass bitch, or the leader of the KKK, or a mass murderer in a former life and that bad karma has followed me across time, death and space to royally fuck up my present life.

Yesterday I was looking at my checking account online and noticed some charges from goofy places that I've never been to/given my card info to. So, I called the bank and there are 4 charges from someone having used my card number online to buy shit.

Now, the only place I've been recently where that little mama was out of my posession for anyone to get the numbers off of was a restaurant over the weekend. So I'm thinking one of three things happened.

1 - That punk ass waiter wrote down the numbers
2 - The receipt had all of the numbers on it, instead of just the last four. I now for some reason can't find the damn thing.
3 - I have spyware on my now defunct computer and someone mined my card info off of it when I paid my electricity bill last month.

Now, they haven't spent lots of my money, but it's enough to have made a couple of checks bounce and make me totally out of money until payday, which thankfully is Friday.

Then my bank (which shall remain nameless) tells me that it could take up to a couple of weeks to get MY OWN MONEY back.

Fuckers.

!@#@#$%@%^

2006-02-28T06:50:00.000-08:00

Last night, Rylee accidentally spilled an entired glass of water on my laptop, the only computer I have at home.

WAAHHHH!!!!!

So, until I can rob a bank to get some cashola to get it fixed or buy a new one, I am probably going to be out of commission.

I am supposed to be getting a laptop for work, so hopefully that will happen soon and I can take it home and use it to blog.

Show and Tell

2006-02-25T15:49:00.000-08:00

Somedays being a mom is just so damn cool.

Like today for instance, when instead of telling me she pooped, Rylee found it necessary to stick her hand down in her diaper, get shit all over it and then run to me and very proudly exclaim, "POOP, MAMA!"

This one's for you.....

2006-02-25T08:19:00.000-08:00

....Football Widow.

Guess what I wore yesterday for casual Friday at work? Yep, jeans and the $45 piece of cotton I got from Bon Bon. I did wear a red jacket over it, but I bet you'd still have been jealous of my t-shirt.

Don't be hatin.

Listen up, kids.

2006-02-22T20:07:00.000-08:00

If you want a nice cushy job where you work from 8-5 and take an hour lunch break, do not, I repeat DO NOT become an accountant. Or if you do, make sure you work actually for the government where you will be doomed to life of piss poor wages, but will be able to come in at 9:00, leave at 4:00 and take as long as you want for lunch.

Friends

2006-02-21T22:16:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling pretty mushy tonight. Probably b/c I'm dead-dog tired, but can't sleep. Tonight I worked late. It was 10:41 tonight when I left and I'd been there since 8:30 .... well, probably closer to 9:00 but still.

So when 4:00 rolls around and there is no going home in sight, I call upon Erin and she drops whatever she had to do to go pick up my girlie.

Oh yeah, and when my house got broken into guess who went over and changed my locks the next day?

Yep. She rocks.

I'm very blessed to have such a friend. Go check out her blog. She's one cool chick.

Thank you SO MUCH Erin!!! Rylee loves her some Ms. Erin and it is nice to know that she's with someone who loves her back if I can't be there. You are the best.

HAAAAA-LAY-LOO-YAH!!

2006-02-20T19:56:00.000-08:00

Guess who finally slept in her own bed all night long...at 22 months 1 week and 1 day old?

Dear Blogger,

2006-02-20T12:25:00.000-08:00

Quit being a bitch and send my comments to my email.

I LOVE Grey's Anatomy!!!

2006-02-19T20:13:00.000-08:00

That is all.

Awww, shit!

2006-02-19T13:14:00.000-08:00

I changed the template on the WRONG BLOG!!!!!!

Now all my links are gone, ARRGGHHH!!!!

Sigh. I guess I'll be spending some time trying to get my blog back.

I am in the process of having a new template created, but til then I wasn't going to change anything.

Dammit all!!!

C'mon, Eddie

2006-02-19T10:42:00.000-08:00

So, my favorite coach of all time, Eddie Sutton was charged with a DUI on Friday after toxicology reports showed that his blood alcohol level was .22 when he swerved across 4 lanes of traffic and slammed into the back of another car and then a tree.

It is very well known in Cowboyland that Sutton has a drinking problem. Just look at that drinker's nose and it's a dead giveaway. There is a part of me that is sympathetic to him and a much larger part that wants to smack the shit out of him.

The man is a living legend in Stillwater. He is no doubt one of the best basketball coaches of all time. It wouldn't surprise me at all if they renamed Gallagher-Iba Arena after him sometime down the line. He already has his signature sprawled across the floor.

I'm not one to judge, and I can understand using alcohol to dull pain (physical or emotional), but when you are in the spotlight like he is, you have to make better decisions. He's got a team of young men who idolize him. Little kids in Stillwater was to BE him. And then he pulls a stunt like this.

COME ON, MAN!!

Now we have his ferret-faced son filling in for him while he's in rehab for 4-6 weeks. Of course, it's already lined up that Sean will take over when Daddy retires, but I can't stand him.

The saddest part of all is that this could keep him out of the Hall of Fame, which would just be horrible. The man is a truly great coach. He deserves to be there, this stupid decision aside.

There's just something not right about not seeing Eddie on the sidelines. We need him today. We're playing those damn Longhorns.

Get better, Eddie!

Edited to add:

Guess that ass whipping of the 'Horns was symbolic of the team's support of Coach?

NBC, You suck ass!!

2006-02-18T22:11:00.000-08:00

Enough with all this olympics shit. I don't care that Brode (or is it Bode? Who cares?) Miller hasn't won a medal and that he was supposed to be the Winter Games equivalent of that Phelps guy who won all the medals in swimming. You've only said that 6,000 times! I also don't give a rat's ass about the drama on the mens speed skating team.

I need some SNL. I want to laugh. As Tammy would say, you've pissed me right the fuck off.

I'm going to bed.

Thank you weatherman!

2006-02-18T21:03:00.000-08:00

It cracks me up how when here in good ole Texas the weather gets cold, it becomes the only news story. Every TV station has crews at various places throughout the area, telling us what we already know...it's freakin cold. As if I can't look outside or open my door and figure that out. Thank you. I just want to watch SNL.

Today we ventured out and went to Kohl's. I had to take some stuff back that I had bought earlier in the week. They're having one hell of a sale. No they're not paying me to advertise. I got a couple of things for work and a new bedding set for my bed. The whole shabang for 27.50. It looks nice and hell, you can't beat the price. Now if I just had someone to help me break it in all good and proper-like.

I think I feel the funk coming back. It's been a crazy month at work. I'm over-freaking-whelmed and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. When I get home, I'm just out of energy and don't feel like doing anything. At least I have a job, though, right? I guess so.

The good news is that I have an appointment to get my hair done tomorrow. God knows it needs cut and colored. Maybe that will make me feel better.

Loving my SELF

2006-02-15T18:19:00.000-08:00

I direct your attention to page 120 of this month's issue of SELF. You'll find there that:

The more you dust, the less you could earn. Each hour a woman spends on housework and chores at home lowers her pay at work, a study at the University of Toledo shows. Men tend to tackle weekend tasks such as repairs, but women do the dailies, leaving less energy for the office.

Well, I'm off to sit in front of the tube. Must not lower my pay at work.

In the car this morning

2006-02-15T06:53:00.000-08:00

Rylee: "Look at that big truck!"

Mama: "I see it. It's red, huh?"

Rylee: "Hold the truck?"

Mama: "You can't hold the truck. It's too big."

Rylee: "Mama's too big."

Thanks, chica.

Three times!

2006-02-13T10:15:00.000-08:00

That's how much I've puked today. Twice at work. Once on the way home. So far none since I've been lying down here.

If I didn't know better, I'd think I was pregnant.

I DO know better. There's a little something-something you have to do to get that way.

Bye bye fog...hello George!

2006-02-12T07:19:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to say that the funk is gone for the time being. You forget what it's like to feel 'right' when you're in the middle of all that. Yuck.

Yesterday we went with Erin and her kiddos to see what Rylee calls the George Monkey Movie. She loved it and sat through the whole thing. Aside from the maddening crowd, it was nice.

She's been talking about it ever since and we've of course had to spend some time here.

I know I keep saying it, but I just can't believe how much she's changing. She's 22 months old today, and this morning she rolled over in bed and said, "Mommy's beautiful." I didn't even know she knew that word, but I'll take it. It's been a long time since anyone has rolled over in bed and told me I was beautiful!

Already?

2006-02-09T20:31:00.000-08:00

So, my sweet girlie is talking in full sentences now. Last night she asked me her first full sentence question:

"Mama, where's that big truck going?"

Umm... come again? Really? Did you just ask me that?

The other day we were in the car and I muttered that I was lost and didn't know where I was going, and ala Dora, she says:

"You need a map."

What the hell happened to my BABY????

Funk...with a capital F

2006-02-08T07:37:00.000-08:00

I don't know what's up lately. I just can't come out of this fog.

Maybe it's because I've been sick. Or because I'm still reeling from feeling violated since my house was broken into. Or stress at work.

Maybe it's because I'm struggling with feelings of inadequacy when it comes to Rylee and whether I'm doing what I should be by her. She's almost two, and it scares me to death sometimes to realize that I am solely responsible for her. It's my job and mine alone to see that she becomes a functioning member of society. She will learn her concept of love and family from me. Am I doing enough? I don't know. I sure miss out on a lot of her life by having to work. How am I supposed to teach her if I'm not there?

I want our lives to be better in a year than they are now. I want us to be better off financially. I hope she's happier (not that she's unhappy). I want to be a better mom.

I'm in a funk. I'd like to come out now, please.

I get my girl back!!!

2006-02-03T07:02:00.000-08:00

I have missed that punkin of mine the past two days. I can't wait to see her tonight. Katie said she slept all night last night, didn't ask for mommy milk and only asked for me twice yesterday. Yup. This was definitely harder on me than it was on her.

She did slow down enough to talk to me last night and this morning. I basically got "Hi, mama." "Yub you" "Bye, mama."

Uh huh. She doesn't even miss me. ;-)

To the Jackasses Who Broke Into My House....

2006-02-02T10:06:00.000-08:00

Let me tell/ask you some things:

1. You are damn lucky I wasn't there when you came in.

2. You're even luckier than I didn't have my daughter with me. Ever heard of the vengence and wrath of a woman? Yeah, multiply that by about 1000 when you're talking about a mother.

3. What the hell did you think you would find in a toddler's closet?

4. Better yet, what could possibly be so interesting in MY LAUNDRY??? Were you hoping to sniff some dirty panties??? Sorry, this mama goes commando!

5. Guess my big ass TV was too heavy for to to carry out? Wusses.

You suck. This is my space!!! How dare you come into my home, rummage through my stuff, and think it's okay!!!

I hope you rot in hell. If there is a hell. Either way, karma's a bitch. I hope she jumps up and runs your ass over.

Tell me I'll be okay

2006-02-01T06:22:00.000-08:00

I'm kidless in Texas for two days!!!! For the first time EVER!

I had a hard time dropping her off at school today, but I'm going to be so busy at work over the next two days, I won't have much time to think about it. And I'll be here til O'Dark-Thirty, anyway.

It will be walking into that house all by myself that gets me.

Deep breath out...

2006-01-31T02:38:00.000-08:00

As bad as last week was, this week has been that great. Rylee and I had a great night last night. She was full of hugs, kisses and cuddles. Bedtime went off without a hitch and she only fussed for about 10 minutes for mommy milk in the night.

It's really interesting how we feed off of each other. When one is happy the other generally is. The opposite is also true. I had somewhat forgotten what the warm fuzzies felt like with her. But now they are back in full force!

Aunt Katie is going to come pick her up from school tomorrow and take her back with her so that I can work late tomorrow night and Thursday. I'll go get her after work on Friday. I already miss her; it will be our first time apart with the exception of a couple of nights when she was 3 months old. I'm sure I'll be a crying blubbering mess when I leave her at school in the morning. The break will be nice, even if it is only to work an ungodly amount of hours. But I'll miss her. Like crazy.

I love you, Punkin. Lots.

Let me introduce you...

2006-01-29T18:27:00.000-08:00

To the coolest 13-year-old around:

That would be my niece, Taylor. And yes, that picture was blatantly stolen from my sister's blog. So there.

Rylee and I have had a rough week - probably the toughest on record. I'm struggling with needing my space, with cosleeping and with feeling like I'm just a boob to her. It really feels like the only thing she wants from me is to have her mommy milk. I'm just touched out. I need to have a few moments of someone not needing me.

It starts as soon as I pick her up at school. "Hold you, mama!" "Mommy milk" "Get up!" "Read book"...and on and on.

Several times this week, I have wanted to run far, far away. So, I've decided to start the weaning process. I'm very torn about it all. She still wants it - a lot - but I just don't think I can do it. Thursday night, it took until 10:30 to get her down because she would wake up every time I pulled her off. I. CAN'T. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE!

Officially, the day was yesterday. No mommy milk during the day, only when she's going to sleep and not during the night. Man, oh man, did I get a run for my money. She cried during the night for 2.5 hours!!!!! Mind you, I was right there, trying to comfort and cuddle, rub her back and sing (yes, we all know what she thinks of my voice, but still....), and it did not matter. About 20 minutes in, I was tempted to give in, but had to win the battle. After 2 hours, I was ready to slit my throat.

Today was a bit tough too, she asked for it and it took 30 minutes of crying to get her to nap. I'm so not looking forward to tonight. Ugh.

Back to Taylor.... Last night, Katie and Chris went out and I kept both of those cuties up there, Taylor and Conan, for them. Rylee had so much fun!!! Taylor was a lifesaver. She can entertain her better than I can anyday. Rylee was actually belly laughing - something that I haven't heard in a few days.

Today we got up and lounged around a bit and then at Taylor's suggestion, we cleaned out my car. Now, if you've ever taken a ride in my garbage-mobile, you know it's not exactly clean. Ever. But we tackled it and after I got all of the crap out of it, Taylor vacuumed it for me. I mean seriously vacuumed it. It probably took her over an hour to get it all done.

What other 13 year old would do that kind of thing...just because? And you should see her with these kiddos. She just gets it. And they love her.

It made me kind of sad to see how happy Rylee was with her. Only because I realized that she had been feeding off of my frustration this week and had just been a booger. (Speaking of boogers, I called her one this week, and she promptly proceeded to stick her finger up her nose, pull one out and say, "Pick booger!" Who teaches them this crap?)

I'm very blessed to have Taylor in my life. She's an awesome kid. She came into our lives as a spirited 6 year old. Fast forward 5 years and her daddy marries my sister and BAM! we're all a family. She's had a tough go of it in life. Talk about things not always being fair. But she's handled it well. She's doing great in school, and just brought home a straight A report card!!!

I'm so proud of her.

CRAP!! Mommy milk is calling. I'll finish this in a bit. Or 3 hours. Whatever it takes to get my munchkin to sleep. Ugh.

Um, yeah. Guess who just went to sleep without a fight??

That ends this rant. 'Night all.

Lessons from an almost-two-year-old

2006-01-25T19:25:00.000-08:00

Lesson 1: I don't sing very well.

We're adjusting our nighttime routine since she now has her big girl bed (well, just mattress really - the rest is coming shortly). Rylee gets a bath and then to facilitate her sleeping in her own bed for at least a few hours, I lie down with her and sing, tell stories and rub her back until she falls asleep.

The past few nights, when I'm singing, she opens her eyes wide up and says "No sing, Mama." Thanks Rylee. You've confirmed my requests for my next life - a better voice, longer legs and bigger boobs.

Lesson 2: I spend too much time at Wal-Mart.

That kid can recognize a Wal-Mart from any direction as soon as it comes into eyesight. And if I dare just drive by, well, you'd think I was killing the poor kid.

Lesson 3: There's something cool about how I say the word pancakes.

The other night when I got the ix-nay on singing, she said she wanted a story. Not feeling very creative, I figured I'd tell her about her sperm donor and the story behind him. Granted, she doesn't get it, but that's the beauty. I don't have to think about it, but it's words coming out of my mouth and she doesn't have to know exactly what they mean.

The story involves pancakes. Get your mind out of the gutter....it involved EATING pancakes. Nothing else.

As soon as I got the word out, she said, "Pankcakes?" I told her that that was in fact what I had said and from then on, after about every line or so, she would say, "Pancakes?". I would have to repeat it and then I could go on. This is how a typical story in our house goes now:

ME: There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

R: Pancakes?

Me: Pancakes.

Me: She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.

R: Pancakes?

Me: Pancakes.

And on and on. I've never been so sick of saying a word in my life!

Seriously, Ladies.

2006-01-24T11:57:00.000-08:00

Cubicle etiquitte. Talk softly, or the rest of us are gonna go ghetto on your asses. Please?

YAWN!

2006-01-23T08:18:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep. I don't know why. Maybe it's all the crap from the past that my brain suppresses while it's in full control and then it comes oozing out when I'm unconscious blessing me with funky dreams and restlessness. I'm tired. I need Lunesta.

There was not enough sleep this weekend and today I'm in training - training I really need - and I can't stay awake.

Red Bull here I come.

Randomness

2006-01-21T21:10:00.000-08:00

This post won't flow well, so stop reading if that bothers you.

A guy at work showed me his form from the INS that he had to fill out to apply for U.S. citizenship. It had all the standard questions, but then there were some questions about appearance.

**Eye color:

1. Blue
2. Green
3. Hazel
4. Brown
5. Black
6. Pink
7. Maroon
8. Other

No kidding. I would like for all of you who have pink or maroon eyes out there to leave a comment. Who writes these forms?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nakey

Rylee would live this way. I seriously think I'm raising a future stripper. That kid rips the velcro open on her diaper, tears it off and then throws it. I never did actually get her dressed today (me neither) because we didn't leave the house. She was nakey damn near all day. If she had her way I would have been too. Apparently nudity loves company. "Mommy naked." No, mommy isn't going to be naked all day. Sorry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Picasso I am not

My friend from Mtown came over last night and we created some art for Rylee's room to match the kick ass quilt that her mom made for Rylee. **Side note: She has the cutest 5 month old baby by I've seen in a long time.

Anyway, we had some extra canvasses so we let Rylee and her 3 year old paint some as well. We won't get rich selling them, but we had a blast watching them go at it. Rylee loved it, and now I have a painting that I can hang in her room that she did. It even has a handprint on it.

I took some pictures of what we did. Won't get rich selling those either, but they look good. Tomorrow we're going to IKEA to get Rylee's big girl bed so that I can finally get her room really put together.

Our co-sleeping time is nearing an end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Help!

Call me lazy or whatever you want, but I hired a housekeeper. This place is kicking my ass. I am struggling big time to cook dinner, stay on top of laundry, vacuum (this is not helped by the fact that my kid is terrified of the thing) and everything else that come with running a household when I can't even start any of that til I get home at 6:30.

When I do get home, I want to spend some quality time with the Punkin, and have to give her a bath and all that.

When she goes to bed at 8:30 or 9:00, I'm so exhausted I just want to crash on the couch or at the computer.

So, for $45 every two weeks the heavy stuff will be taken care of. Hallelujah! Her first day is Monday. It can't come soon enough.

Why must we all do this?

2006-01-21T21:02:00.000-08:00

So,Kami had a post like this not too long ago. A clear the air and establish just exactly who's webspace this is post.

I was browsing my sitemeter account and saw that there were a ton of people coming to see me from a Wired Seniors discussion. My curiosity was piqued, so I clicked over there to see me getting reamed for language and (gasp!) going out to Bon Jovi and talking about how great he and his drummer looked.

According to 'my seniors' I should be ashamed of my language, and OMG, where was the kid when she was going out?

She was by herself at home with a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes. I mean who doesn't do that? Gawd.

For the love of all things holy people....I don't care what you think. I don't feel like I have to justify an occasional night out (okay so why am I writing this? Maybe I do.)

Shit, people.

Of course, I had to join their little group and let them know that I found them out.

(Real) Good times in Mommyland

2006-01-19T16:43:00.000-08:00

This is my version of Thankful Thursday because it's all about the Punkin. I'm so very lucky to have such a cool kid. (Shut up, I can hear the groans all the way over here...). Today I'm particularly grateful for this about her:

1. Her cute little voice and growing vocabulary. I got a "Yub yoo, Mommy" today out of the blue while we were in the car. Melts my heart right to mush.

2. The accent she has picked up. I know they're not really good for kids to have, but I'm sure she'll outgrow it. For now, she makes lots of syllables into two, and it's cute.

"Oh, May-un" Thank you Dora and Swiper. (Oh, man!)

"Din-oh-sow-ur" (Dinosaur)

3. Unsolicited hugs and kisses.

4. Her excitement to see me when I pick her up at school. Regardless of the craapy day I've had, THAT makes me feel good.

5. Learning how to love and be loved unconditionally. It's funny the things that our kids teach us when we're supposed to be doing the teaching.

Good times in Mommyland

2006-01-19T10:10:00.000-08:00

More puke. I got it before we left, had to reshower and took her to school anyway, because I had things to do. Got there for a whole hour and got a call that I had to go get her.

Anyone know how to get vomit out of a feather bed?

Good times, man. Good times.

Workin for a livin

2006-01-18T20:24:00.000-08:00

I love my job. Got some great news today. I can't really elaborate, but I'm so freaking excited!

I have to say though, that I am becoming more and more bothered by our employees dying. We lost two more today. They even talked about it on the local news tonight. Why tonight and none of the other times, I don't really know.

I think I'm going to start sending these messages I get to the White House so that Dumbass can see he's killing real people with families and a history. And people who are not in his military and who don't answer to him as Commander and Chief - what a joke that is.

I cannot stand him.

Son of a BITCH!!

2006-01-18T09:52:00.000-08:00

The last 12 hours of my life went something like this:

1. Use car headlights in garage (b/c light is out) to see to break down moving boxes.
2. Put Rylee down for bed.
3. Go back outside to move car to change light bulb.
4. Find out car won't start.
5. Email boss and tell her I will be late.
6. Get to bed late b/c of "Sweet Cherry Pie"
7. Experience one of the joys of cosleeping - a child puking TWICE in my bed.
8. Get up this morning, take a shower with Rylee.
9. Dress.
10. Go to garage to use friend's car that's parked there to go to Wal-mart.
11. Experience the joy of trying to stuff a huge carseat into the back of an itty-bitty car.
12. Drive to Wal-mart.
13. Buy jumper cables and go home.
14. Jump car and in the process get shit all over my pants and have to change my clothes.
15. Lug carseat out of afore mentioned small car and transfer back to my car.
16. Look down and discover that I'm OUT of gas.
17. Curse because gas stations don't take temp checks and I don't have new debit card yet.
18. Silently thank the MILF for giving me a Wal-mart gift card so that I can fill up.
19. Drive BACK to Wal-mart, get gas.
20. Drop Rylee off.
21. Remember that I forgot to leave her butt cream for diaper rash.
22. Turn around go back and drop it off.
23. Cross the Lake Worth Bridge and discover flashing lights behind me.
24. Try to beg my way out of a ticket.
25. Sign the fucking ticket and drive to work.

There is not enough Lexapro in the whole damn world for this shit. That is ticket number 2 in a month. If only I could have shown him some boob. Damn sweater.

Note to self: Get off the gas, stupid!

Grow up

2006-01-17T22:20:00.000-08:00

Seriously, neighbor, blasting "She's My Cherry Pie" at midnight on a Tuesday is not cool.

Call me old, whatever. Just stop it.

This is new

2006-01-17T11:13:00.000-08:00

I've never worked at a place that had employees killed on a regular basis. Now I do. We do a lot of support work for the military, specifically in Iraq doing shit for this goddamned war. I would say that at least two or three times a week, we get an email that ANOTHER of our employees was killed when an armored truck was bombed or by a suicide bomber.

This is the stuff that you don't see on the news every night. You don't hear about the non-military people who are giving their lives to protect our dumbass president and his crusade to save the world from non-existent WMD's.

Fucking war.

Welcome

2006-01-16T20:25:00.000-08:00

Last night was the best night of my life. For real. Bon Jovi kicked ass! It was all I could have expected and more.

Kami and I both decided that we could do either Bon Bon or Richie. Hell we could even share 'em. Oh and the drummer?? Fuckin hot!

She took a bunch of pics so click on over there and take a look. I copied on from her blog since she has her little copyright on it and I didn't want to post some of her other stuff for the whole world to steal. I am now a major believer in her BAMF. God, it took some great pics.

It was the greatest show ever. He actually walked through the crowd when he sang Bed of Roses. Some chick was ugly crying over getting to touch him.

So, the things I expected:

1. Great, entertaining show. Check.

2. Jon and Richie looking too hot for words. Check.

3. Lots of crazy screaming fans. Check.

4. Singing all the good oldies. Check.

Here's the part I didn't expect

1. A super hot drummer!

2. A little song called Welcome to Wherever You Are. I hadn't heard it before, but I swear the man was singing to me. Check it out:

Maybe we're all different but we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden running through our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You're caught between just who you are and who you want to be
If you feel alone and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning is some beginning's end

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

When everybody's in and you're left out
And you feel you're drowning in the shadow of a doubt
Everyone's a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say
When it's seems you're lost, alone and feeling down
Remember everybody's different; just take a look around

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be

Be who you want to be
Be who you are
Everyone's a hero
Everyone's a star
When you want to give up and your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect;
God makes no mistakes

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
And I say welcome…
I say welcome…
Welcome…

Is that not awesome? They had me in tears with this one.

I think I have a new mantra.

Good night, Bon Bon and thank you for an amazing night. If you ever decide you'd like to settle down in Texas (shit, who am I kidding...I'd settle for a one nighter), just go ahead and leave a comment on this here blog and we'll hook up! Til then, I guess I'll just have to dream about ya. YOU ROCK!!

Oh, and thanks to Kami. Girl, you were so much fun!

Have a Nice Day!

2006-01-14T19:57:00.000-08:00

Isn't he freakin hot??? Mrs. Dallas K and I are going to see him and the gang tomorrow night and I cannot wait!!!!

I think I'll go practice teasing my hair.

Say WHAT??

2006-01-11T08:02:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the 12th, which means that my baby - my BABY!! - will be 21 months old, which means that she is only 3 months from turning 2. I almost can't even write that.

TWO.

TWO.

I did okay with her turning one. It was bittersweet, but it was exciting at the same time. Two sucks. There's no baby left. She's a big girl who doesn't need her mama much.

She walks around telling me things in full sentences. Tells me to 'get up' when she wants something.

Breathe, Cassy. This is normal. This is good.

Tagged!

2006-01-10T06:36:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Erin....here are the 'structions!

List 5 weird things about myself then tag 5 people. Let those 5 people know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog. I'm not gonna tag. =P

1. I'm anal about my closet. Everything needs to be organized by type and then by color. Gray short-sleeved t-shirts should not be grouped with long-sleeved shirts or other gray items. It grates on my last nerve to see things all mixed up. I can't stand to not know exactly where to go to find something in my closet. I mean, how do you remember everything you own if it's not organized? It's strange because I'm not a neat freak at all - it's pretty much the only thing I'm anal about.

2. I'm becoming a serious germaphobe. It just eeks me out to think about all the germs in my life - the handles in restrooms, stair rails, the common kitchen area at work, touching papers that other people bring me. Ewww. I just have to block it out and not think about it.

3. I hate showering and getting dressed and all that jazz. I do it, mind you, but I don't like it. I would love to just be able to get up and go, not have to mess with getting wet, then dry and putting on my face, blah, blah, blah. The really odd thing is that I hate being dirty, too. I can't stand to not be clean. I just don't like atually getting that way. It's probably more the whole time crunch and that on weekdays I have to get up so much earlier to do it all. I don't like to bathe Rylee either. We do it *at least* every other, sometimes every, night, but it's just a PITA.

4. I wish I could be nudist and still do the things I do. I hate wearing clothes. It's not that I'm so comfortable with my body or that I'm bootylicious or anything. I just wish it were socially acceptable to be naked, because I would be!

5. I never balance my checkbook. And I'm an accountant.

Thankful Thursday

2006-01-05T08:56:00.000-08:00

I am blessed. Very blessed. Here's my list for today:

1. My job. The boss is wonderful, I like the work, and the other people here are nice.

2. Rylee is feeling better and free of objects in her nose

3. Arbonne’s Herbal Foot Care. I am out of deodorant, and have had not time to go to Wally World and get some. I had heard that this stuff will work in a pinch, so I tried it yesterday, scared silly that I’d have to run out and get some deodorant mid-morning before the stench became unbearable. But no…it actually worked. I will say that it is NOT an anit-perspirant, but damn it all if it isn’t a freaking great deodorant. I think I just found me some new pit juice.

4. Erin, who is watching Rylee tonight because I have to work late.

5. Planning out next trip to FL this summer. Can you believe that she’s already looking at cabins and such?

5. Coffee. For some reason, I’ve become a coffee drinker since starting this job. Dilute that shit with enough cream and sweet n low and it’s damn good

Every kid does it at least once...

2006-01-03T20:28:00.000-08:00

At least that's what they tell you when you take your kid to the urgent care center because she's shoved something up her nose.

Friday night, we were sitting on the couch. I was reading her a book, and she was wiping her nose with a baby wipe. She was sick that day, so she was getting lots of TLC and mommy time. About half way through a book I looked down and the wipe was gone. GONE.

I laid her back and saw that she has put about a quarter of it up her nose. Stupidly, I tried to retrieve it and of course pushed it farther up there. I could still see it, though, and I still think that with tweezers I could have pulled it out.

But that was not what the stars had in mind. About that time, Rylee rammed her finger up her schnoze and shoved the wipe so far up her nose that I could no longer see it.

At this point, I am trying to decide what a logical thing to do would be. Let's see...I could:

1) Leave it there, and hope she sniffs hard enough that it goes down her throat and she swallows it. But then what if it happens in her sleep and she chokes? And what if it gets infected and her nose falls off b/c I didn't want to seem silly?

2) Try to get a pair of tweezers and dig around up my kid's nose for a foreign object that I can no longer see. Um. No.

3) Take her somewhere and have a professional deal with it.

I chose 3. I walked into the urgent care place and explained that I wasn't sure if I should be there of not, but that my kid just put about a quarter of a baby wipe up her nose. She called the nurse out, and he took us back, looked up her nose and disappeared.

He returned a short while later with bad news ("I'm going to piss of your daughter because the doctor says we HAVE to get that out of there") and good news ("We're not even going to bother checking you in or making you pay anything."). I'll take it.

So, within a matter of less than 30 minutes, we were back in the car, on the way home to our half cooked chicken I had taken out of the oven on our way out the door, ready for whatever stunt the Punkin would pull next.

Hello World!!

2006-01-01T11:46:00.000-08:00

FINALLY!!! I have DSL at home! It's not in the right room yet, b/c I don't have a phone jack in there, but this is certainly better than nothing. I can't believe it's been almost a month since I've had the Internet at home. I missed you, friend!

So, let's play catch up. Christmas was a blast with the Punkin. She was so fun this year, which makes it all worth it. I should have pictures soon, if I can get Katie to send them to me.

I love my job!!!! It's been a very long time since I've been able to say that. My boss is awesome. Rylee was sick on Thursday and Friday. Her school called me and said she was running a fever of at least 102 (they pulled the thermometer out at that point) and that I had to come get her. Then of course Friday she couldn't go back b/c it had been less than 24 hours. So I called in to my boss and told her what was going on and she was completely cool with it and told me to just do what I needed to do to take care of my baby. Old bossman could learn a thing or two about that. But maybe it's different because this boss is a HER and has btdt when it comes to a sick kid.

I just can't tell you how happy I am in this new job. It's the type of accounting I like, the people I work with and for are super, and the commute isn't bad. The company is actually moving in March, which is why I chose to move where I did. When that happens, I'll be less than 20 minutes from home, to Rylee's school, to work. Suuhhhweeeeetttt!!!!!

Speaking of Rylee, she loves her new school. She's much happier here than she was at Primrose. They are wonderful.

So last night was NYE....we went back to McKinney and spent the night with Kelly. We put the kiddos down and then we adults had some fun. It was great to be able to relax, drink some wine and not have to worry about Rylee and her being with someone else, or driving home, or any of the other hoohaw that goes along with going out. It was just an all around good time. Kelly, though, did not get "schnookered" like she said she was going to. Lightweight. ;-)

I can't believe it's 2006. I remember all the fuss about Y2K and thinking that that was just a little bit ago, but it was 6 whole years!!! Time is really flying. I'm gonna be a grandma before I know it.

Somebody. Help. Me.

2005-12-20T10:55:00.000-08:00

I'm having serious blogging withdrawl. I got my DSL install kit for home, but my service won't be ready until the 23rd. WTH?? And then they are going to have to come drop a jack in the office b/c there's not one in there. Bother.

I miss cyberspace!!!!

Cubicle Etiquette

2005-12-14T13:03:00.000-08:00

When you work in a cubicle farm, it is polite to lower your voice so that EVERYONE does not have to listen to your conversations. This is particularly true if you are talking about personal matters and not those relating to work. This means you, lady who keeps telling the same story over and over and over. It's really too bad that that happened to you, but by now the whole freaking world knows it because you TALK SO LOUD.

So please, please...sit down and get to work. If I have to hear that daggum story one more time, I'm gonna say something to you. And you won't like it.

Rylee in Times Square!

2005-12-14T08:15:00.000-08:00

Yep, my girlie was famous (for a matter of seconds!). Her picture was displayed in Times Square as a part of Time Magazine's promotion of it's Person of the Year. Below you'll see a completely undoctored picture of her high above the square.

This is a link to the offical Time Magazine site.

Whew!

2005-12-13T10:48:00.000-08:00

Well, the move went well. I love our new place! So does the Punkin. She walks around saying, "house, mama!" "our house!"

And she's doing great at school, too. On about day 3, she walked in, told me by and said, "See ya later." Hmmmrrrppppff. I'm really glad she likes it though. Her teacher, Ms. Myrna is funny. Rylee tells me that every single night.

"Myrna funny." Glad to know that.

I still don't have Internet at home, so I'm sneaking on at work. Which is going fine as well. I've actually been a bit bored. I didn't have network access for a couple of days and then when I got it my machine crashed. Now, I'm back, but everyone is busy, so they haven't passed a lot of stuff my way yet. Hopefully that will change. I did some things this morning that will be regular duties and I really liked it.

All in all, we're doing well. I've been sort of blogging at home just in Word, so I'll try to remember to bring it in on disk tomorrow, so that I can post the details of what's been going on, complete with Thankful Thursday. But for now, I'm going to sign off.

Man, do I miss this. Come ON, Verizon...send me that DSL intall kit already. Shit.

Moving!

2005-12-03T06:13:00.000-08:00

Today is moving day. Unfortunately, very unfortunately, I'll not have internet at home for a while. =( That's me crying big ole tears. Hopefully, I'll be able to post once in a while from work, but I'll not make a habit of it.

New place, new job, new start!

Until, I'm back in the 21st Century, take care everyone!!!

Thankful Thursday

2005-12-01T19:05:00.000-08:00

Um. I'm struggling with this one today, so I'm going to have to dig deep.

1. New place to live - a house, with a GARAGE! Whoo hoo! Winter's a comin...no more having to get up early to defrost the windows.

2. Recees Penut Butter cups. That's deep, isn't it?

3. Email and blogging

4. People who are going to help me move

5. The sweet guy who was going to fix my car offering to pay for my moving truck

6. Getting to use all of my stuff again that's been in storage

7. Selling Rylee's crib and mattress so that I don't have to move the damn things

8. Awesome friends that I can call and cry to

9. Rylee kisses

10. Hearing from my aunt in Colorado. Hi, Vicky! if you're reading. Love you guys!

I am the QP!

2005-11-29T19:57:00.000-08:00

That would be Queen Procrastinator, and oh, how I procrastinate! I really need to be packing my house right now so that I can move this weekend. But I'm not. I went and tried to beg some boxes off of Wal-Mart and got nothing, so it looks like I'm going to be stuck BUYING boxes from U-Haul. Brother.

But there is good news in my world! I found a house to rent today. The rent is low (considering...), and it's in a nice little neighborhood. Just a cute little 3-2-2, but I'm excited. The landlord is really nice and didn't care about my bad credit. All he wants to check is employment and past rental history, so I should be in! I'll know tomorrow for sure.

I start the new job on Monday and am finally getting really excited about it! It's been a long time coming. Considering that I got fired on November 1 and have only had one paycheck from when I temped for a week, I'm sucking shit like noone's business. Paychecks are a good thing.

Hopefully I'll be able to get ahead a little bit and finally not be living from one to the next. Hopefully. Seems like there's always something that wants to suck whatever little bit of extra coin I have.

In closing, let me just say one thing:

MATT, YOU'RE FREAKIN HOT!!!! YOWZAH, BABY!

To see more pics of my favorite Loser, go here.

Actually two things......to that apartment complex who was going to make me pay a $1050 deposit and then STILL maybe not rent to me, this is me telling you to kiss my fat ass:

:*()()

Thankful Thursday

2005-11-24T06:07:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the first ever installment of Thankful Thursdays on Me and the Punkin.

Today I'm thankful for :

1. The fact that my sister and BIL are here today instead of in Tulsa as planned, so that I can spend it with family. Sorry, sweet sister that you're here b/c you were puking your guts yesterday and couldn't make the trip.

2. Wonderful friends and the huge number of invitations to join them for Thanksgiving when I was going to be alone this year. I love you all. More than you know. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

3. Broncos vs. Cowboys! Go Broncos!!!!

4. Only paying $2.02 for gas yesterday

5. Pecan pie

6. Rylee's new daycare and the fact that she liked it when we visited yesterday

7. Lexapro

8. Car with two headlights

9. The awesomely comfy bed I just got out of

10. Getting to watch the parade for the first time with the girlie

I gotta do something..

2005-11-23T16:42:00.000-08:00

I have decided to have a new feature on this here blog. Because I can't to SPF or WBW or FUG Thursday, because of my retarded camera, I thought I'd do this.

And because I'm having a hard time not being bitchy. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I honestly hate this time of year and dont want to be thankful. My life is upside down right now. I would much prefer to list the things going wrong, rather than come up with things I'm thankful for.

But I really believe in the power of positive thinking. I used to keep a Gratitude Journal and every night, I'd list 5 things for which I was thankful. It helped a lot. But since I am not going to blog about that everyday, you'll get to read Thankful Thursdays. Whoo hoo.

For now, I'm off to ponder the blessing in my life and come up with a list. ;-) And by the way, it won't be Rylee, Rylee, Rylee.

ME Time!!

2005-11-22T12:26:00.000-08:00

Had me some of that yesterday. Kelly told me that Rylee told her that she needed help to make me a special Christmas present, so she would need to kidnap the Punkin for a little while. I called bullshit b/c I'm a scrooge and am not doing the holidays this year, but I sure as hell let her take her!

I had a gift certificate for a pedicure and eyebrow wax left over from my birthday in May, so I made good use of my time and went and got pampered. I even shaved my legs. However, I am noticing now that my feet are a bit hairy. I apologize to you, sweet lady, who had to rub them.

But, you should know - you who makes her living doing this kind of thing - that when a woman wants a brow wax, that's exactly what she wants. Not a half wax and half pluck. Don't semi thin my brows and then proceed to pluck the shit out of them. I can pluck at home if I want. I don't want. Also, please don't tell me that you can only rip one strip. I don't mind you waxing over an area you've already waxed if I still have caterpillars up there. Those tears streaming down my face mean STOP PLUCKING!!

Next time, do it all by waxing. Now I'm running around with still-thick eyebrows.

At least I have pretty toes.

Am I the only one?

2005-11-22T06:03:00.000-08:00

Go read this post.

He read my list of 100 and decided that I was screwed up b/c I am pro-choice and anti death penalty.

Weigh in, please.

I hope you're happy

2005-11-21T17:48:00.000-08:00

I hate dreams sometimes. Mine are always very vivid and emotional and often affect me the next day. It sucks.

Nate, you should be able to relate to this story somewhat. It's my version of what you're afraid of when it comes to dating up there in IA.

Anyway, I had a dream last night about the one I left in Oklahoma City when I moved south. He's honestly one of the best people I've ever met. He helped me a lot as I was leaving the hell that was my old life. I can honestly say that I don't know if I would be here today were it not for him.

He came and got me the first time I went out and got drunk - by myself - because I was hurting like mad and didn't know what to do. I had drank a margarita, tequila sunrise, some things with vodka and then took two shots of 151. Can you say fucked up? At that point in my life, I was lost and he was there. He was also my first. Over the course of two years he stood by me through my stupidity, and eventually we fell for each other. He was the sanity to the craziness that was my world.

While I was pregnant, he was there, fascinated by the whole miracle of pregnancy, and didn't mind that my body was changing and that I felt fat. Talk about loving someone unconditionally. Even though he knew that the punkin wasn't his, he loved her. Rylee recognized his voice when I was pregnant, and went crazy when she heard him talk. He would talk to her and pat my belly.

During the pregnancy, we became exclusive, and even talked about marriage. At the time I would have loved to have his ring on my finger. After the birth, we drifted apart a bit. I don't know if he was freaked out by what a baby really meant, or if it was me realizing that I wanted something more than what I had there. I decided that I needed a change and decided to move to TX to start over and we talked about moving together. But he's finishing his degree and trying to decide if he wants to be an architect or professional body builder. He's got an equally good chance at both.

I was not at all prepared to stay where I was and he couldn't move. I guess you could say that we did not love each other enough. That we knew it wasn't right - at least then.

We still talk every few months. We left 'us' at the point of living our lives, moving on and it if it's meant to be down the road it will happen. I'm sure it's not though. I'm a much different person than I was then. And he is too. But I'm okay with it. I've got a great life, a bit of romance back in it and I'm where I need to be.

Back to the dream. Last night I dreamed that he was getting married. While I'm not entirely looking forward to the day I hear that, I really do want him to be happy. And that's the problem; he wasn't. He was miserable, in fact and only getting married for the sake of getting married. I woke up in tears.

It made me miss him terribly and wonder what's really going on. I want to call and ask, but how psycho does that look? I think he'd understand, but I probably won't make the call. Maybe I'll shoot him an email.

I will always love him. I'm not in love with him - not even a little bit - but he will always have a part of my heart. He's an amazing person and I want the best for him. I hope he's happy.

*~*~*~UPDATE *~*~*~

NO, he is not about to be unhappily married! LOL. We had a great conversation and now I don't miss him. He's happy. Good for you, babe!

Holes

2005-11-21T09:17:00.000-08:00

So I circumcised my daughter this weekend. ;-) And actually it was pretty easy. She only cried while I was actually holding her head so that they could pierce. Since then she's been walking around saying "Earrings, mama!" "Pretty earrings!" No regrets. She loves 'em! So do I. =D

A purple dot marks the spot.

Right ear....DONE!

The left matches...always a good thing. And quite an accomplishment with a squirming toddler!

Looking at them for the first time.

Special thanks to Aunt Katie for the picture taking! Love ya!

We did it!

2005-11-20T11:11:00.000-08:00

And I'll have the pictures to prove it this afternoon! =D

Walk the line

2005-11-18T19:20:00.000-08:00

Yes, I want to see the movie, but no, that's not what this post is about.

It's about the line that you have to walk as a parent. That line between love and discipline, between fear and respect, between 'normal' toddler behavior and that which is unacceptable regardless of age.

And I've got nothing. I'm struggling like mad right now. Rylee hits. Sometimes when she's mad, sometimes just for the hell of it, and I don't have a clue how to get her to stop. I know that it is age appropriate, but I constantly worry that she'll be a bully.

I've been sitting her down when she does it, and explaining to her that it's not okay and that she has to be gentle. Probably like 10 times yesterday. Do you have any idea how tiring it is to do that? And it breaks my heart because she really is a sweet girl, most of the time and is very loving. So why the hitting?

I can't spank her. That makes no sense. "Rylee don't hit." WHACK! And I'm just fundamentally opposed to spanking anyway.

The problem is that I grew up in a house where spanking was the MO. That and instilling an all out terror of the authority figure. Neither one of those is something I'm okay with.

So how do you get your kid to respect, but not fear you? How do you get them to listen without spanking to immediately stop whatever they're doing at the moment? How do I get her to come when I tell her to, instead of laughing and running off?

She really is a good girl. I'm rereading this and it sounds like she's a monster. She is so far from that it's not funny. She's a great kid. A strong-willed, stubborn, Aries kid. And I love her for that.

I just tend to project things way into the future, and stress about how what I'm doing (or not doing) today will affect her in ten years. I just love her so much and don't want anything bad for her. I don't want the things I do to end up hurting her, whether it's intentional or not.

Such a conundrum to be a parent. There are no easy answers. I know the behavior I want her to have, but have no clue how to get her to act like that.

Here's another line I'm pondering crossing --

I'm very opposed to infant circumcision, on the grounds that it should be the man's choice whether he wants his penis altered from the way it was created. There's a reason men have foreskin and there's no medical reason to remove it. (Please no flaming about the issue...I'm just telling you how I feel about it.)

But I *really* want to pierce Rylee's ears. How's that different? I guess it's not, but if she doesn't want to wear earrings when she's older, she can just not wear them. It's not a matter of cutting something off that maybe she wants, and then having to wear weights to try and fake foreskin, ya know? But it's still not her choice and I'm changing her body from the way it was made. So should I do it or not? I don't know if I should or not, but I'm probably gonna!

I swear, I'm a walking contradiction today. Somebody make it stop!!

Note to brain: It's now time for you to shut down. You've done quite enough for one day. Seriously. Shut the hell up.